Expecting Salvation: My First Pregnancy
Expecting Salvation, a Sunday series on my pregnancies, births and losses.
“All the soarings of my mind begin in my blood.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
With our August wedding and Kris’s actuarial examinations behind us, we began trying to conceive immediately. I was 36 and we assumed it might take a while. I read a every recommended book on fertility, took my daily temperature, and one month later I was pregnant. Easy! I placed the positive tests in a box and wrapped the gift as nicely as one can wrap urine, and gave it to Kris as an early Christmas present. Clever! He opened it and hesitated, staring at the sticks, confused, “Does this mean what I think it means?” “Yes!” I squealed. Normal! He said “I thought we would have more time!” Hilarious!
We went to Detroit and celebrated Christmas with my extended family. When I look at this picture I remember feeling high, buoyed by our secret and the anticipation of soon sharing our news.
Nothing suddenly felt like something. Sudden blood. Sodden cramping. Sobbing. I called Kris and he came home to find me doubled-over on the bathroom floor, rocking through the cramps. He called our OBGYN and we were told to collect what had passed and come in. Kris brought me a red sweatshirt to wear to the car but I couldn’t wear red. IT’S RED. I cried harder. He grabbed another shirt, the ziploc of what had passed, and helped me out the door. Driving was awful. Every stoplight an eternity as I clung to the armrest and the belief that our doctor would tell us it’s nothing. It was not nothing. It was everything.
I went home, healed, mourned and read about the commonality of miscarriage.