My Lady Lumps

During IVF I take a lot of drugs to make many eggs.  I also take drugs to stop ovulation so I don’t lose all those eggs in case they up and leave the party on their own. Bitches can’t be trusted.  So while on one side of my stomach I am injecting more! more! more!, on the other side I’m injecting stop!  stop!  stop! and this manipulation of my natural functions feels very, very oogy.  Don’t think about what you’re doing Lisa.  Just stick the needles in and keep going.  When that dance is done the eggs are retrieved and sometimes a few pretty important extra cells come along for the ride.  All this mucking around is necessary to make it work but now its over and I need to fix the original muck, and that is why I take progesterone support.

I start progesterone shots the day before my transfer and continue until I am 12 weeks pregnant.  Every night Kris injects me in my upper ass cheek.  It isn’t as sexy as it sounds.  The needle is

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long so that it gets in good and deep.  Again, not sexy.

Since I start the day before transfer that means I do this even while I don’t know if I am pregnant.  Stop thinking about what you’re doing and stick.it.in.  And when I learn nearly two weeks later that I am not pregnant?  So very angry.  Insult meets injury and I’m left with a lump in my throat and a lump in my ass and a raging fury all around.

And yet not all around.

I’m making a baby while raising a child and fury has no place in that equation.  Now the only safe place to cry is in the front seat of the car so that my son cannot see.  Thank God for iphone car adapters and Adele because if anyone ever asked that’s the excuse I’d give.  I want Arlo to know I’m human, that I cry but then I stop.  It’s a valuable lesson but let it be about something else, a cut finger or a good book.  If I cry, he cries and that is something I cannot bear in the face of all that fury.  He will not shed one tear because of this, this work that I do.  Not one.  Don’t think about it Lisa, just dry up and drive.

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14 thoughts on “My Lady Lumps

  1. Wow, Lisa. I had know idea what is all involved. You are so brave and incredibly tenacious…Arlo is so fortunate to have you. You will always be the best mom whether he sees you cry or not. xo.

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  2. I can’t tell you how many times (and I just met you in january, i know it’s strange) that I pray and visualize that you become pregnant. And for some reason I always see a girl. I’m seriously hoping and praying along with you.

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