This is my friend’s mouth-watering three-month-old daughter. I had the privilege of holding her recently and for the first time in a long time I was exhilarated knowing this image would soon be of my own baby. It is a feeling that only comes with the security of being pregnant. There was no angst, no longing, no tears. It only felt good. And smug. Yeah, I was a bit smug. It was only when studying and editing this picture later did I acknowledge how far I’ve come, how hard I’ve worked and how lucky I am.
(Start now. Stay aggressive. Never give up.)
Days after my first miscarriage I went to Home Depot and found myself behind a woman carrying a newborn. It was hard to be so close to something so real but it wasn’t until the baby started to cry that my body seized and I began to cramp. That moment was fleeting, the pain only a twinge, but the memory is everlasting. With all my losses, what was once sharp and ugly is still with me, it has just traveled to the past and become muted. According to a recent study: “Researchers found that nearly 13% of women who had a miscarriage or stillbirth before delivering a healthy baby still had symptoms of depression 33 months after the birth.” Not unexpectedly, those of us with recurrent losses have more symptoms longer. Here’s more: http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/15/women-grieve-miscarriage-for-years-despite-having-a-healthy-baby/
Pregnancy is incredible and I do believe that with labor and birth it has the power to heal. I think it might be one of the few things on this earth that can. However it cannot snuff out the fires of my past. The roaring flames that ate my flesh may now just be smoldering embers, but they are mine. They are all mine.