We have hit a rough patch on napping and sleeping and general attitude around here. Arlo woke up in near hysterics yesterday afternoon, clearly exhausted but yet unable to calm down. I tried all that I could before pulling out the big guns, which as expected, worked instantly.
Though fully appreciative and in awe of its power, I am ready for Arlo to stop breastfeeding. Yes I am. I won’t force him to wean and I always provide when asked but if he stopped tomorrow I would buy him that huge, ugly, plastic recycling truck he wants but I refuse to have in my house. Arlo, are you reading this?
Why am I ready to stop? Because IT HURTS. MY GOD HOW IT HURTS.
You know how men say you can barely graze their balls and they wince in pain? And you’re over here, eyes rolled into the back of your head, like “puh.lease”. Well fellas — I hear you. Now replace a slight fingertip graze with a toothy, chomping, twisting mouth and then get back to me.
If you are breastfeeding a baby and it hurts, call La Leche League or your friendly Lactation Consultant because it shouldn’t hurt. Something is wrong. But I am nursing an expert – a professional in his field with nearly three years experience – which in weaned human years is like 65. So why does it hurt? Because I am pregnant.
“Hormones in your body are preparing your breasts for lactation. The milk ducts are growing and being stretched as they fill with milk early in pregnancy. All this causes your breasts to be more sensitive, particularly your nipples. This can be a bonus for your sex life or can cause you discomfort.” – American Pregnancy
Let’s read that last sentence again: THIS CAN BE A BONUS FOR YOUR SEX LIFE OR CAN CAUSE YOU DISCOMFORT. Hilarious American Pregnancy. Just hilarious.
One way I combat the pain is to apply the very popular salve Lansinoh:
This is good stuff because your kid can eat it. You wouldn’t spread it on toast or anything but it’s a fine balm that your kid can suck on. One problem however:
It leeches through everything. It’s pretty much nature’s Vaseline. And god forbid you go without a bra for 30 seconds. Sorry my brief dance with pain relief and freedom ruined you forever, Shirt.
The great thing about nursing a three-year old is that you can talk to him and explain that you hurt a little and we need to take a break. This plea never, ever works but the other good thing about nursing a three-year old is that he can now eat candy and watch videos. I will play on his empathy or push his fun buttons. Just let my nipples live to see another day.