It has been six months since I’ve eaten an M&M. A Runt. A Skittle. A Sweetart. A Gobstopper. A Spree.
I have refrained because I have half a crown on a rear molar and cannot get it replaced until I’ve given birth – unless I want to do the whole procedure without anesthesia. Which I do not. I most certainly do not.
You can keep your cakes, brownies, pies and cookies. I love candy. I want candy. I am candy. Put this on repeat at my funeral:
Sugar’s only sweetness,
Salt is ocean tears
And you were my only weakness
For years and years and years
You little (yellow) sweetie
You were hiding in a jar
Now my mind is gone completely
Take off the lid and there you are
You’re my can-dy
Well the devil, she made sweet candy,
Took six days and nights to dream
On the seventh day she rested,
Woke up early and made ice cream
Now the devil, she must be a dentist
With deep jawbreaker eyes
Red rope hair, gumdrop lips,
Cotton candy thighs
(Chaga lava) Stole my body
And aftertaste stole my mind
Left me dangling down defenseless
Then sweet candy she said goodbye
Now my teeth are worn and useless
My eyes too sunk to see
My tongue swelled up to twice its size
And all I want to do is eat candy
– The Presidents Of The United States of America
So how have I been rewarded for my efforts these past six months? This weekend I ate a toasted English muffin and the rest of my crown cracked off. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? An English muffin. Do you know how little I care about an English muffin? It is a vessel for butter, nothing else. What a freaking waste.
I should have had those M&Ms.