Top Ten Reasons I Hate My Cats Plus One to Let Them Live
My Year-End List-Making Bandwagon-Jumping
1. Black deposits the kids’ mittens, socks and hats all over the house. Over and over, every day. I despise this act as I am a tidy person.
2. Black is pulling my neatly folded clothes off my bedroom shelves and depositing them too all over the house. When I’m finally able to get dressed for the day at 2pm, I have a mess to clean up first.
3. One or both of the cats pees on any pile of clothes left on the floor. As a tidy person (see #1), I do not have piles of clothes on my floors but I do sort laundry and I have put my son’s nap linens by the door to take out the car – all of which has been peed on. Fuckers.
4. It doesn’t have to be on the floor. One (or both! Probably both. Assholes.) of my cats peed inside a storage basket in the closet. That basket contained all of Kris and my’s winter hats and gloves. I spent two naps times hand washing them and every day since scratching my head then smelling my fingernails.
Why are they peeing outside of their litter? It must be dirty.
5. The only water acceptable to drink is inside Arlo’s fish tank. Since Arlo sleeps with his door closed, the scratching and prying starts every day around 6am. They have yet to wake him but if they ever do I will not be held responsible for what happens next. Why can’t they drink out of toilets like normal pets? Or perhaps out of the bowl next to their food?
6. They are loud. And I mean LOUD. Black is particularly obnoxious in her persistent howling and wailing. I have a baby who rarely sleeps. You marry that with two shrieking cats and someone’s got to pay.
7. They pry open the cabinet door that holds all the toilet paper and like my clothes, it all gets pulled off the shelf. This is annoying in of itself but if I don’t take care of it immediately, Farrah happens.
8. Gray sleeps on Farrah’s changing pad and every time I use it I have to forcibly remove her cat ass and then brush off all the fur/litter crumbs she’s left as territory markers.
Would you look at her? Maharacat.
9. They do that thing where they follow you around endlessly, howling (see #6) until you top off their bowl of food.
10. They do that thing where they follow you around endlessly seeking love and affection even though you rescued two adult siblings so they could have each other while you managed a new baby.
Now, The One Reason To Let Them Live:
My kid likes them.