Deep Thoughts on Moving and Dita Von Teese

  1. This is the move where I look the guys in the eye as they carry out my bloodstained mattress pad.
  2. I completed one of those internet quizzes and discovered my Native American name would be One Bed Many Bleeds.
  3. “That which does not kill you” makes you donate it to Goodwill just to get it the fuck off your To Do list.
  4. I can’t wait to unpack all the half-dead moths the cats have collected this summer.  The kids will need a snack.
  5. That carpet stain is coffee.  The other one, a mystery.  Don’t ask, just roll it up and put it on the truck.
  6. I signed a contract stating I would not import pornography into Canada, not even vintage pornography featuring a somewhat unrecognizable Dita Von Teese:
  7. 1999
  8. 2014
  9. All of our ziploc bags which are packed in a cardboard box are going to be wrapped in paper and packed in a cardboard box.
  10. “Oh, just leave that.  I’ll pack it myself.” said no one ever.
  11. I’m so glad I’m on my period.  I wasn’t feeling enough feelings this week.
  12. One look at 2014 Dita and you know she bleeds in the shape of an orchid.  Her periods could be commissioned for a hot new line of luxury linens.
  13. Can anyone explain this to me?
  14. Screen Shot 2014-08-05 at 11.35.30 AM
  15. I sense there will be a lot of unused toys and frayed t-shirts that will be “lost in the move”.

It will be a relief when the house is empty and I don’t have to think about the Where, What and How any longer.  I’ll only have to focus on the Who which is What really matters anyway.

Take my stuff.  Please.


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