Did she get enough to eat?  If she didn’t get enough dinner she’ll be hungry and up all night to nurse.  How can I get her to eat more now?  Where’s the sauce?  How about just milk then?  Will that fill her up?  Nope, no more water.  No vitamins, no fat.  Here – have milk.  She needs a straw.  She’ll drink more if she has a straw.  Where’s the waitress?  CAN SOMEONE GET MY CHILD A STRAW?

“I bet it takes a lot of work to open a restaurant.” – my husband

“Uh huh.” – me

No, no, no, no, no.  Nope.  THIS side of the sidewalk.  Nope.  See that car?  It can’t see you if you are over there.  Plus that’s where the dogs pee and poo.  DON’T TOUCH THAT.  Yikes!  Ouch!  DO.NOT.TOUCH.THAT.  Sharp.  Sharp.  Sharp.  Ouch.

“Oh!  I read about that place.  That store is supposed to be the REI of Canada.” – my husband

“What?” – me

A Mother Far From Home, via my friend Christine, attached science to my state-of-being:

“Hyper-vigilance is defined as an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hyper-vigilance denotes a constant scanning of the environment for threats, exhaustion, and abnormally increased awareness (source).

So, for parents, hyper-vigilance is basically being in a heightened state of awareness, fight-or-flight and protection mode on behalf of our children who are too young to do it for themselves properly, if at all.”

The topic of her post centers on exhaustion but I forgot about exhaustion a long time ago.  Hyper-vigilance is why I can’t finish a single.  Hyper-vigilance is why I’ve said to my husband, “You’re still a human being, capable of independent thought and ideas whereas I’ve become something else entirely,” and while that sounds like the introduction of new Marvel character, it feels less super-hero and more self-doubting.  Am I still interesting?  What do I bring to this marriage tableau?  I have saved lives and yet I chastise myself for not knowing the results of this mid-term election.  People all around me are growing and developing and I’m over here constantly scanning the environment.  I do not have wistful moments of reverie.  I do not ponder.  That’s where dogs pee and poo.




3 thoughts on “Hyper-Vigilance

  1. I hear ya. I think that’s why we take photos. a) to force us to look around at the scenery but more importantly, b) go back and ‘see’ the architecture/flowers/clouds etc that we missed the first time.


  2. Pingback: Biking Montreal: At Night With Kids | Black Panty Salvation

  3. Pingback: Pillow Talk | Black Panty Salvation

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