For years I have been waiting to go gray so I could go blonde. I’ve always wanted to try platinum and thought if I was going to dye, why not dye blonde?
Gray has refused to bloom but a mid-life crisis conveniently arrived so I stopped waiting. Color me blonde.
I can’t explain the physical and emotional transformation I expected from going blonde and as I type these words I have to chuckle because hair is dead. I do believe changing your appearance can manifest different feelings but the only thing I feel is uncomfortable. That’s still me there but what’s on top of my head? Superficially I know it’s wrong because it’s so golden and as a Deep Winter that color has no business framing my face. I’ve never spent so much time criticizing my skin or fretting over my appearance and fuck that because TIME (see “mid-life crisis” above). I’ve never worked this hard on my eyebrows and I am someone who once owned Courteney Cox’s Exclusive Eyebrow Shaping Kit. (It was the 90’s.) I could star in a remake of “Roots” and it would be just as miserable and take just as long.
It’s been a slow year, personally. I take responsibility for not setting goals but I also take satisfaction in settling my family into a new city, new country, new life. That shit has been work. My going blonde was nothing more than a grasp at metamorphosis now that the cocoon is intact. It was a feeble, impulsive and expensive mistake because I emerged not transcendent but distracted. There’s nothing more important to me than time and this is not how I want to spend mine. Pick, pick, pick. It’s also not the mother I want to be; of course I have moments of self-doubt and humanity, but when my kids see me in front of a mirror I want them to know I’m there to adorn something that’s already beautiful, just as they are, as you are, as we all are.
Blonde is not for me and now I know. Bucket List, Check! I have a feeling that silver is going to suit me very well one day and probably sooner than I expect. Until then I look forward to shaving my head again and starting anew. Metamorphosis pending.