Coloring Salvation: Mask

I picked up coloring as something to enjoy with my son when he’s table-side.
Some say it’s not therapy but the mind drifts when hands shift and here’s what I’ve been thinking:


I colored this heart on a long car ride in order to avoid interacting with my husband.  It was late summer and we were in the worst way, he and I.  Stretched over the bone, I pulled a mask over who I really was and gave just enough to keep myself and my marriage alive.

In my most honest and desperate moments I dream of giving up everything to become a monk to motherhood.  When I came close to this mark, like I did this summer, I was at my most patient, most loving and most satisfied.  I did not miss myself; not my writing, not my photography nor my husband.  I achieved the enlightenment such zealotry offers but I weakened my marriage for I am no monk.  I do not live alone.

Science drives me to give everything to my children.  When I was eight weeks’ pregnant with my daughter, I found out fragments of her DNA flowed through my veins.  Pregnancy, labor, birth, breastfeeding; these acts of communion between myself and my children are incomparable to any other relationship I have had or will ever have.  Who I have become is undeniable.  And awesome.  Still, Mother is at odds with Wife.  There is no biological pull to my husband; that has to come from somewhere else, as it must be given.  If my well is empty, math tells me I must take away from my children so that I can add to my marriage.  Math fighting science.  Science against math.  Man against wife.  Mask upon mask.

I don’t color in the car anymore.  As the weather cooled, so did we but not so easily and not without help.  I work to stay married and so does my husband.  Sometimes it’s hard but mostly it just means taking off a mask.  We do not run through each other’s veins, but we are connected and want to remain so, just like we said we would before one of us became someone else entirely.


One thought on “Coloring Salvation: Mask

  1. Pingback: Calling Ahead | Black Panty Salvation

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